I want this to stop. I just want it to stop. I don't know what to do. I just hurt and I want it to stop. I'm also keeping in so much ######6 anger. I'm constantly flipping between anger and hopeless depression. I can not express this anger and it's driving me ###$ CRAZY. I am invalidated and ######6 not listened to and always the bad guy. I can't even ######6 move. I'm being bullied. I can't express my emotions cause my emotions are wrong. People are treating me like I am a piece of ######6 $#%^ on the ground. MY EMOTIONS ARE ###$ WRONG... I HAVE TO SIT HERE AND PRETEND TO BE OK BECAUSE I AM NOT ALLOWED TO FEEL ######6 DEPRESSED OR SAD OR ANGRY!!!!! HOW DARE IIIIIIII FEEL ANGRY!!!!! I FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO END UP HURTING SOMEONE ELSE OR HURTING MYSELF. I'M LIKE A ######6 CAGED LION. NOT JUST CAGED BUT MY LIMBS ARE TIED TO THE GROUND AND MY MOUTH IS GLUED TOGETHER SO I CAN NOT EVEN ROAR!!!!!!

I just want to get ######6 drunk, ######6 absolutely pissed, I wana go crazy. I'm holding in S O M U C H. I'm going to end up hurting someone else or hurting myself. I'm gunna end up having a breakdown. MY EVERY MOVE IS CONTROLLED. MY EVERY ######6 MOVEEEEE.

I'm lonely. So lonely. I feel like a little girl right now. I'm so confused. I wish it would all become clear. I need help. I need someone or something. A hug. Some guidance?
I can feel myself going Into one of my negative spirals. I don't want to. I can't stop it.
It's so frustrating. I can't help it. I wana say 'I hate myself' but the words are just annoying to me.
Agrarrggggggg. I'm just going around in ######6 circles. No one is gunna help are they. No ones ######6 coming to my rescue. I've just gota harden up.
How did I get into this ######6 crazy, messed up life. Everything is all over the place. One minute I'm up, next I'm down. One minute I wanna take over the world, the next I am just feeling so depressed and like I'm not in reality. Like the world isn't real again. This is all just my dream. I just want to wake up!! For ###$ sake. Please let me wake up and stay awake.
I don't want this $#%^ anymore, round and round and round and round, year after ######6 year!
why doesn't God listen to me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I given this ######6 never ending crazy cycle of $#%^. What the ###$ is the point. Please help.
I can't take anymore. I CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE.
Help me.

I was watching Kurt Cobain and was thinking about how he killed himself and decided to google his death date. I know, silly thing to do. Anyway, I saw that he left a suicide note so I decided to look at it, probably shouldn't have done, but I was curious.
And I related to it so much. But now I feel suicidal. I'm not going to kill myself.
But I'm having thoughts like, maybe the reason why I can't just get on and function in life is because I was already supposed to kill myself and I'm just resisting what is meant to be for me.

It's a highly triggering note. I don't recommend you read it, especially if you are easily triggered. Although, I know saying this will make you curious too. If you do just make sure you're prepared. Just don't do it.
I just found it so relatable. How he wants to feel that passion again, but he can't. How he wants to fully appreciate what he has but no matter how hard he tries, he can't.

Yesterday I was so full of energy and motivation. I just bounced around all day and couldn't stop dancing. Or talking. I started making plans, and I believed I could achieve them. I felt possibilities all around me. Today, crash. It's always the way.
I can never sustain that high long enough to actually achieve anything. It's usually just flipped into a horrible low. So I feel like what's the point. I'm never gunna be able to do anything in life. I lack everything. I even lack a real personality, I'm just an empty person who morphs into other people.

And I hate people. I feel like the world is just full of people who are only out for themselves and will just inevitably leave me or let me down in the end.
I feel like, I've lost it. I hold on to hope that I will one day be able to achieve all that I used to think I was capable of. But I just feel maybe I am just delaying the inevitable.
I feel guilty even typing all of this out. I feel like I will never matter unless I achieve my ultimate goals and dreams. I want to be a musician and an artist and a performer and be really successful at it. Or even if I'm not entirely successful, I want to just be happy with what I create. But I also do desire great fame. I've always felt like the only way I will ever matter is if I become famous and highly successful. And I still believe it. I don't think it will ever go away.

Most people would say that's why I'm so unhappy because I have much too high expectations of myself. But it's not. I think I could be happy without fame if I could just at least be myself, and do what I feel is there in me to do. Stop the emptiness, stop the mood swings, stop going crazy every day. But that belief is ingrained in me. It's never going to go away. I just feel as if it's what I'm meant to do and if I don't then my purpose is not going to be met.
But sometimes I feel like, really I don't even desire any of that anymore. I feel like I have no desires. Totally numb and empty. I don't want to live or die. I don't want to remain here in agony, but I also don't want to do anything.

I feel I am a totally flawed person. I feel like god gave me gifts and talents. But he also gave me too much $#%^. And the $#%^ just destroys the gifts and talents. And they are wasting away and fading away and soon they will be nothing. I don't even believe that they are there anymore. I don't even know. I hardly sing, I haven't been on a stage in years, I never write music.

And then I think well maybe what I thought was my purpose isn't. But then why is it the only thing I can think of that would give me any happiness. I don't want to settle and just accept that I can't do what I really really want to do. Set 'realistic' goals. Just accept a mediocre life, a $#%^ job, get a boyfriend, marry, settle down, have kids, get a mortgage. uhhhh. If I could even do that. I couldn't even achieve that successfully. I might be able to pull it off for a short period if I really wanted to. But then the issues would catch up with me and make sure it all went to $#%^. Because the real...

[ Continued ]

My Mum just said to me in an evil, hostile, nasty way 'I'm gunna hang myself because of you! I'm gunna do it. When you least expect it. You won't even see it coming but don't worry, I'll do it.'

The way she said it you would have thought she was threatening to kill me, not herself. She really wanted to hurt me and mess me up in the head.

All I was doing at the time was trying to explain to her how somebody had been taking advantage of her and that she shouldn't be so easily used by other people. She can be very naiive when it comes to others and is often taken advantage of. So I'm always trying to help her recognise when others are doing this. But all I usually get back is her telling me I'm wrong and that I'm too selfish etc etc.

I just give up with everyone and everything. Really.

I think she's just saying this to try and manipulate me and I'm not having it, I just feel sickened. All I ever do is try to help... And that's what I get... But at the same time, now I'm going to be paranoid all the time. She has made suicide attempts in the past. Hasn't for a long time but when she's in that mindset she could.
I refuse to be manipulated by her though. This is what she wants. It's a way of controlling me and it's sick.
The joys of living with mental illness.
She's a paranoid schizophrenic, I am suspected BPD. Very fun times.

I know nobody will probably read this, I don't really use this forum that much, but I need a place to let out some thoughts, I think here is the best place.

I'm approaching my 24th birthday and I can't help but look back at my life and all that I've been through. I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe I have BPD, maybe I don't. Maybe it's something else. Maybe I'm just a freak who doesn't fit any disorder, not that that would necessarily be a bad thing I suppose, but I feel like BPD gives me an explanation for a lot of my life and how I have behaved and how I have always felt.

Right now I'm 23 (almost 24) and I still don't have a ######6 clue who I am. What my real personality is. I honestly don't even know what my real speaking voice is. It changes depending on where I've been living and who I've been spending the most time with. I can't make up my mind who I want to be. I know what I want to do. I want a career in the music industry. I want to be big. I have big, wild, crazy dreams of being hugely famous. But how can I be a star when I don't even know what my personality is? And also I'm so lonely, how would I cope with fame? How would I cope when I'm so unpredictable?

I feel like I'm a compass that won't stop spinning. That just can't settle on a direction. I feel like it's been like that for years. Stuck because I haven't been able to just stick with something and move forward. Since I left school, everything I have tried I have been thrown out of. First college, then jobs.

I used to have friends. At some points of my life you would have even said I was popular, with crazy confidence. But nobody is ever my real friend, because in the end they all leave me.
I have been through stages where I am the life and soul of the party. But they never last. Different people who know me have different impressions of me. Some people I know if asked to describe me would say I am very confident, very cheeky, very clever and very loud. Others would say very timid, very shy and reserved. Some would say that I disregard the rules too much and think that they don't apply to me, others would say I am too cautious and too uptight.
I feel like I have been every kind of person. But this me inside has always felt pretty much the same. I feel like I've just been fooling everyone.